I’ve spent many years working with families in addiction, and have heard this question countless times: “Why didn’t the 12 steps work for me?” It’s a common refrain, especially from those who’ve struggled with chronic relapse and have already attended multiple rehab programs. But here’s the thing – more often than not, it’s not that the 12 steps didn’t work. It’s that they weren’t truly worked through as intended.
I want to dive into this topic and explore why some people feel the 12 steps have failed them, what effectively working the 12 steps really looks like, and how to recognize and overcome the barriers that prevent successfully following through with the 12 steps to a lasting recovery.
Understanding the 12-Step Model
First, let’s get clear on what the 12-step model is all about. Developed by Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), the 12 steps are a spiritual program of recovery that has helped countless individuals overcome addiction and transform their lives.
At its core, the 12-Steps is about:
- Self-reflection and personal inventory
- Making amends for past wrongs
- Developing a connection with a higher power (as you understand it)
- Carrying the message to others who are still suffering
Through practicing these steps, individuals undergo a process that fosters a deep sense of purpose and connection. It’s not just about staying sober – it’s about learning to live by a set of spiritual principles like honesty, humility, and service to others.
Why Some People Feel the 12 Steps Didn’t Work For Them
When someone says the 12 steps didn’t work for them, there are usually a few factors at play.
Misconceptions About the Program: Some people come in with preconceived notions about what the 12 steps involve, often based on outdated stereotypes or misinformation.
Incomplete or Superficial Engagement: It’s not uncommon for people to attend a few meetings, maybe work on the first couple of steps, and then declare it doesn’t work. But that’s like going to the gym twice and wondering why you’re not in shape yet.
Lack of readiness or willingness: Recovery requires a level of openness and willingness to change that not everyone is ready for right away.
Underlying Mental Health Issues: Sometimes, co-occurring disorders like depression or anxiety can make it difficult to fully engage in the program without additional support.
How Do You Know if You’re Working the Steps Effectively?
So, how can you tell if someone is really working the steps effectively? Here are some key indicators:
- Making sincere amends: Have they made frank and heartfelt amends for the harm they’ve caused, and followed through on making things right?
- Service to others: Are they dedicating a significant portion of their time to helping other addicted individuals find recovery?
- Accepting responsibility: Have they owned up to past mistakes, identified ways to change their behavior, and followed through?
- Consistent meeting attendance and service: Are they regularly attending meetings, taking on service commitments, and volunteering?
- Gratitude and appreciation: Do they often express thankfulness for their sobriety and the opportunity to help others?
- Improved reliability and accountability: Have they become more dependable and responsible in their daily life?
- Personality transformation: Have they undergone a significant change in personality, making them almost unrecognizable from the person they were in active addiction?
These aren’t just checkboxes to tick off. They represent a profound shift in how a person thinks, feels, and behaves – a shift that’s at the heart of what the 12 steps are designed to achieve.
Recognizing & Overcoming Barriers to 12-Step Success
If you or your loved one has struggled with the 12 steps in the past, it’s not too late to give them another shot. Here are some strategies for overcoming common barriers:
Address Resistance and Skepticism: It’s okay to have doubts. Encourage open discussion about concerns and misconceptions about the program.
Develop a Deeper Connection: Look beyond the surface level of the steps. What spiritual principles do they represent? How can these be applied in daily life?
Seek Professional Support: Sometimes, working with a therapist or counselor alongside 12-step participation can help address underlying issues and enhance engagement with the program.
Find the Right Group: Not all 12-step meetings are the same. Encourage exploration of different groups to find one that feels like a good fit.
Focus on Progress, Not Perfection: Recovery is a journey, not a destination. Celebrate small victories and learn from setbacks.
The Burning Tree Ranch Approach to Practicing the 12-Steps
At Burning Tree Ranch, we specialize in helping individuals who’ve struggled with chronic relapse, including those who feel they’ve already tried and failed with the 12 steps.
We encourage clients to approach the 12 steps in a long-term treatment setting with fresh eyes, setting aside past experiences and preconceptions. Working closely with clients and families, we try to identify potential obstacles early to encourage full engagement with the program. Our clinical team persists through aftercare to help guide a deeper, more meaningful exploration of each step.
In addition to the 12-steps, we combine multiple evidence-based therapies to address co-occurring disorders and trauma.
Our focus is on helping our clients and their families develop the necessary skills and mindset needed for lasting sobriety, not just short-term abstinence.
Moving Forward: Giving the 12 Steps Another Chance
If you’re reading this and thinking, “Maybe I didn’t give the 12 steps a fair shot,” you’re not alone. Many people find success in recovery only after multiple attempts. The key is to approach the program with an open mind and a willingness to dive deep.
Remember, the 12 steps aren’t just about not drinking or using drugs. They’re about learning to live a life guided by spiritual principles – a life of honesty, humility, and service to others. It’s about moving from a self-centered existence to one focused on how you can contribute to the world around you.
So if you’re looking back at your experience with the 12 steps thus far and thinking it isn’t for you, I encourage you to look closely. As you move forward, consider finding a sponsor who has what you want in recovery. Attend meetings regularly. Do the work, even when it’s uncomfortable. Be honest, be open, and be willing to change.
And most importantly, give yourself time. True transformation doesn’t happen overnight.
Until next time,
Brook
